Note: This post contains affiliate links. This means if you click on one of them, I may receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. For more information, read my full disclosure.
I first learned about Gary Chapman’s Love Languages while in collage. I quickly read through the book and thoroughly enjoyed everything that he laid out before me. Sitting on the driveway of the parents of my then boyfriend, now husband, the four of us discussed the 5 primary love languages and guessed at each others top two. It was a fun and lighthearted conversation. We have carried those tools into our marriage and have reflected back on them time and time again.
Now that we have two little boys, I have thought a lot about the love languages and how they apply to kids. According to Chapman’s kids version, before age 5 you simply apply ALL five types of love. Once a child gets to elementary age, their primary love languages start to emerge. In the past 6 months I have started to notice my soon-to-be 5 year old leaning towards two of the five: Physical Touch and Quality Time.
Physical Touch
This one is often pretty easy to see, and somewhat to expect. As parents, we often love giving and getting, kisses, hugs, and snuggles. Of course there are also people that don’t really enjoy or crave that physical contact. They need their love tank filled in other ways.
The more I watch my son the more I feel that he is highly dependent upon physical touch. He wants to be on you basically at any time it’s possible. And he’s not a tiny kid. People are often surprised when I tell them he’s only 4. He wants to be held, he loves holding hands, he wants to cuddle to sleep, and he gives kisses all the time. He also wants to rough house, a lot. To me this is just one more aspect of being physical. Rough housing and jumping into people’s arms is another method to get that desired physical contact.
He also loves to give everyone hugs. Even strangers. Touch, touch, touch.
Quality Time
My oldest is my social butterfly. He knows no strangers, and chats up anyone within earshot. Hugs are given freely, he asks other mothers to play with him, often more than other children, and he always prefers a playmate over playing independently. He is CONSTANTLY asking me to sit with him, play with him, read to him, watch him do something, or listen to him explain something. Did I mention he never stops talking? He usually uses all my daily words for me.
Now, don’t think that I’m ignoring him all day and not giving him attention. I definitely am. Have you ever read a book or article that said you can give your kids one-on-one devoted attention for 5-15 minutes and then they should be good on their own for a bit while you do something small like swap laundry or take a sip of coffee? Not my oldest. He wants you glued to him every second of the day. Even if he’s sit-in there watching TV. He wants you glued to his thigh, or holding his hand.
Hand in Hand and the Law of Subtraction
When you break things down, the love languages all over lap. Quality time and physical touch go so well together, because you need that quality time to have that physical touch. Just right now while writing this my son came over, sat behind me, and placed his feet on me. Touch.
The other three languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, and gifts. The other reason I see quality time and physical touch as his emerging preferred languages, is because I see these other three as significantly less important to him. Of course, as like any other child, he loves gifts, but he doesn’t seem fueled by them, or refilled. I am big on words of affirmation in general (no it’s not MY love language), but he has always seemed pretty unfazed by them. He likes them from time to time as celebration, but often they seem to just roll off of him like noting. The third one, acts of service, seems like his least preferred one. Not that he doesn’t like things done for him, he just doesn’t seem to be filled by them. It’s normally just him being lazy and not wanting to do something.
Resisting My Own Instincts
My personal love languages are acts of service (off the charts) and quality time. That quality time part comes in SUPER handy with my oldest. I love nothing more than sitting with my boys, reading, playing games, and chatting about what they are doing or learning. Of course, as someone who recharges in solitude, I also enjoy when my kids can play without me. As I’ve been noticing my son lean towards quality time and physical touch, though, I’ve started to think more and more about how my acts of service leaning can get in his way.
I recently retook the love languages quiz. I was insanely high on acts of service, and quality time was a distant second. Words of affirmation and physical touch lingered in the lower middle somewhere and gifts was zero. It was pretty clear. But as a mom I’ve started to notice that I need to watch my instinct to speak through acts of service. Since my kiddo would prefer me to be physically there instead of off taking care of the house or cleaning things up, I need to be okay with not doing those acts, and instead speaking through his love tank needs.
Let Them Do It Their Way
I have also started realizing that my tendency to speak through acts of service mean I have to actively remind myself NOT to do things for my family. I need to let them do things on their own, explore their abilities, and find their place. My boys are getting bigger every day and need the joy and empowerment that comes with more independence. I need to encourage that independence, and not let my own preferred love language make them expect others to do everything for them. Sometimes that’s hard for me when I’m use to sharing love that way, sometimes it’s difficult to release the control, and sometimes I’m just too impatient to let them finish a task on their ability level. It’s a huge area for growth for me and something I try to stay aware of daily. I love how the love languages have helped me become aware of it even more.
So from one mom to another, I just want to say, be aware. Watch your little ones as they display their preferred love language. Learn to speak their language if it is not your own. Watch for your own preferred love language causing any issues or tension, and be willing to adjust to this newfound “normal.”
You know, just like everything else with motherhood!
Do you know the love languages of your kids?
This post was written as part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to read the next post in this series “Love Languages”.
created by @pheonixfeatherscalligraphy for C+C, 2020
Leave a Reply