One of the recent blog hops from Exhale, a writing group that I’m in, was called “Playlist.” You were meant to take a song that evoked a memory, and share that memory in writing. At this time I thought it was an amazing prompt, but absolutely nothing came to mind for me. It doesn’t help that I don’t get nearly as much time as I use to to listen to my own music anymore. My kids are either anti-music, or only want kids music, depending on the day. I tucked the prompt away though, because again, I knew it was a great idea.
I would ponder about it here and there, trying to think of songs that sent me back to a time or place. There are a few songs that remind me of things, but nothing that would have created much substance. Maybe a line or two of text. But then, one day, it hit me. Not Alone, by Patty Griffin. I cannot hear that song without tears. It often takes me right back to when I lost my brother, but no matter what, the tears always come.
A Little Background
When my brother was in his early 20’s, and newly married, he suffered a stroke. Through the chaos that ensued, we discovered that he had been born with a birth defect that we hadn’t known about. An AVM, or arteriovenous malformation, which is an abnormal connection between arteries and veins. It usually presents in the brain or spine. To me it was always explained as a cluster, or ball of veins and arteries.
He underwent surgery to have it removed, but years later we discovered that it hadn’t been fully corrected. After what seemed like a successful second surgery, his body suddenly shut down and seized up. He was in rehabilitation facilities and hospitals for about 9 months. They tried to figure out what was going on, but we never really got any answers. Eventually we reached a point where, as a family, we decided we needed to let him go. So we did.
A Memory of Loss and Planning
I was in my early 20s and I was helping to plan my first ever funeral. I was glad to be there to help my mother through it all. Hopefully I was of some comfort. She asked me to make a slideshow of images to play at the visitation, so I began working on it. I poured over images of my brother and family through the years. As a photographer myself, I regretted not having taken more photos of him. I regretted a lot of things.
My mother chose the song Not Alone, by Patty Griffin, for the slideshow. I listened to it over and over as I perfected the timing and design of the slideshow. I still remember sitting on my now husband’s sofa while watching TV and working on the project. I can hear it in the visitation playing in the background, and for years I couldn’t listen to it at all.
The death of my brother is truly a part of my personal testimony, since I don’t know how I would have gotten through it without God helping me. I remember it as a time of feeling His presence so intensely, of a strange peace within the grief, that carried me. I will never forget that. And this song stands as a direct connection to that time, and all of those emotions that came with loss, grief, hope, and family.
That song will forever be one of the songs on my playlist of life.
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